The start of our fertility journey

Dennis and I decided to celebrate us each anniversary until we had children. Our anniversary is 10 days after Valentine's Day and about 3 weeks after my birthday. Sure, I would love to be absolutely spoiled for all 3 events, but figured that our anniversary is a day that is so special to us. We decided to not work on our anniversary and travel somewhere to celebrate us. Needless to say, the past 11 years, we've had some pretty wonderful anniversary trips. I'll list them below and then start on the story of our fertility journey. I may do a blog post on memories of our anniversaries and post lots more details and pictures, even. :)

#1 Five Pine Lodge, Sisters, OR

#2 Five Pine Lodge, Sisters, OR

#3 Arizona - Grand Canyon & Xona Resort, Scottsdale

#4 A Mountain Cabin Air BnB Leavenworth, WA

#5 Del Marcos Hotel Palm Springs, CA

#6 Kahneeta Hot Springs, Warm Springs, OR

#7 Pacific Winds Condos, Lincoln City, OR

#8 Pacific Winds Condos, Lincoln City, OR

#9 Kauai, Hawaii (with Dennis's family)

#10 Belize, Belize Ocean Club and Ranguana Caye + one night with our friends who live in Belize

#11 Pacific Winds Condos, Lincoln City, OR

Now onto our fertility journey. We had been married for about a year and a half and were really working hard to pay off all of our debt. I remember it was a Sunday after our morning fellowship meeting when Dennis asked what I thought about me going off birth control. I was shocked and probably even more shocked at my answer. You see, I have ALWAYS wanted children. Like when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was a mommy. My answer was that I had hoped we would be out of debt before we started trying. Dennis said that the thought of being a parent still scared him, but he felt more ready than he had at any point and figured that we should start on that part of our lives. Once I realized what he was saying, I'm pretty sure I immediately went off birth control - like that night. 

Of course, once off birth control, I figured I would get pregnant the first month. We did the baby dance (referred to as The BD for the rest of this post) around day 14 because that is when I thought pregnancy happens. Well, the first month and my period came and I was confused and sad. I thought it should happen right away. So, we try again, again, again and again. It was probably around month #6 that I started google'ing fertility. I quickly learned that it wasn't just on day 14 but around there. I also learned that women between certain ages are thought to have infertility if they haven't successfully gotten pregnant within 6 - 12 months. I started worrying - this has honestly been my biggest fear my whole life - to not be able to have children. 

So - I went to a medical doctor and she prescribed me clomid. Clomid, is a drug that is supposed to stimulate ovulation and the release of follicles. Well, I've learned since that it can also damage existing follicles/eggs. A woman is not supposed to be on clomid for too long - and I believe I was on it for 3-6 months. 

Pretty soon after that, I realized that I wanted to go a more natural route. So, I went to a naturopath and she put me on some supplements and even asked for Dennis to get tested. Dennis's tests came back okay - so it was me. I religiously took all the supplements she suggested I take and still nothing. This would have probably been 1.5 years into our journey. 

Then, a friend at work shared a story with me about an acquaintance of hers who went to a different doctor and was able to successfully get pregnant. So, I went to him and again, I was put on clomid and then another drug that I cannot remember the name of it. And, he went a step further and did ultrasounds on me. I went into his office twice a month for a couple of months and he would ultrasound me to see if I had any follicles and how big they were. I felt really hopeful during these appointments. 

He ended up finding a cyst on my left ovary the size of a almond. He asked that I come back in a couple of weeks later and we would see if it disappeared. Apparently, women in childbearing ages tend to have a lot of cysts on their ovaries because ovaries are active! (The random facts that we find out ... ) :) At my next appointment with him, my cyst had grown quite a bit bigger. He had a patient in labor and needed to go be with her - so he had 3 minutes with me. He gave me 2 choices, to wait another month and look at it again, or have it surgically removed. We decided to have it surgically removed. This was in November of 2010. This would have been about 2 years after I was off birth control. In the week between my ultrasound and surgery - the cyst had grown to bigger than my uterus! I then hoped and figured that I would have more success getting pregnant - since cysts are estrogen dominate. 

Well - the rest of the years are sort of fuzzy as to what happened next ... I do know that I have seen 2 different acupuncturists, a chiropractor, a nutritionalist ... And, nothing all of these years. 

Every time that my period would be late, I was so hopeful. I would focus on every little possible sign and hope within my deepest parts that I was pregnant. I would ask Dennis if he was really tired or if his stomach hurt and I even felt little flutters in my stomach ... which were all just a figment of my imagination. 

It is quite a thing to want something so badly that it hurts and not have any control over getting it. My best friends, sister in laws, other friends and even people I hardly knew were getting pregnant ... but not me. And, with each friend and family member who were able to get pregnant, I was super excited for them. Honestly, I was. And also it hurt. I wanted that so bad. I probably cried during each announcement I heard. 

And, then my good friend went through a miscarriage. And, while I would not wish infertility or miscarriages on anyone - after that experience, she told me that while she couldn't really understand what I was going through month after month, she understood a little bit more the loss I felt. 

Next Post: our fertility treatment / adoption discussions and choices